(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
JONATHAN COULTON: This is NPR's ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm Jonathan Coulton. Here's your host Ophira Eisenberg.
OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Thanks, Jonathan. This is our penultimate episode, and we're playing games with our friends, comedians Aparna Nancherla and Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Are you ready for another one?
APARNA NANCHERLA: Ready, ready.
JOYELLE NICOLE JOHNSON: Yes.
EISENBERG: All right, so this one is called Real or Fake College Essay. We're going to give you a college application essay prompt, and you are just going to tell us if it's something an admissions office actually made their applicants waste their time writing or if it's something we just made up.
JOHNSON: Yeah. I worked in the admissions office at my college.
NANCHERLA: You did?
EISENBERG: Yeah.
COULTON: Really?
JOHNSON: I did. My favorite memory is a kid had a letter of recommendation from Vice President Al Gore, and he did not get into the school.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: And I was like...
EISENBERG: See?
NANCHERLA: Oh, my gosh.
JOHNSON: I had to file that paper, and I was like, he going to be mad.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: That makes me happy.
NANCHERLA: You must be so mad.
EISENBERG: I mean, not that...
JOHNSON: You mad (laughter).
EISENBERG: It doesn't make me happy that Al Gore, you know, stuck his neck out for some kid, but that it's - you know, it doesn't always work like that. You don't just get...
JOHNSON: Nope.
EISENBERG: Yes, exactly.
COULTON: Yeah.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
EISENBERG: Merit.
JOHNSON: Nope.
EISENBERG: And money.
NANCHERLA: That's the real inconvenient truth.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: Yes. Yes. All right, Aparna, this one is for you.
NANCHERLA: OK.
EISENBERG: Real or fake - from the University of Chicago, if there's a limited amount of matter in the universe, how can Olive Garden offer truly unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks?
NANCHERLA: I mean, that's a good prompt.
EISENBERG: It's pretty good.
NANCHERLA: It's funny, though. But then I always think of the University of Chicago as a sort of outside-the-box school. But I'm still going to say it's fake.
EISENBERG: It's real.
NANCHERLA: No.
EISENBERG: It's real. I have none...
NANCHERLA: I knew it.
EISENBERG: I have no samples. I wish I had samples.
COULTON: Yeah.
JOHNSON: Right. I got to read those.
NANCHERLA: I sort of wanted it to be real, so I'm glad I was wrong.
JOHNSON: They're the best breadsticks. I mean...
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I just didn't know all this time - you know, as a writer, you think about all the jobs. I want to write for Hallmark. I didn't know I wanted to write prompt for college application essays (laughter).
EISENBERG: I know.
COULTON: Yeah.
NANCHERLA: Yes. Yeah. That one was inspiring.
COULTON: Yeah.
EISENBERG: Not bad. Not bad.
COULTON: All right, Joyelle. Real or fake - from Brandeis University, if you could choose to be raised by robots, dinosaurs or aliens, which would you pick?
JOHNSON: I want that to be real. I really do.
COULTON: (Laughter).
JOHNSON: I'm going to say real.
COULTON: Yes, it is real. You're correct.
JOHNSON: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: And by the way, we all know the answer to that is aliens.
JOHNSON: Aliens, robots or dinosaurs?
EISENBERG: Yeah.
COULTON: Yeah, I guess I don't want to be raised by dinosaurs at all.
JOHNSON: Dinosaurs is the wild card there.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
JOHNSON: Yeah.
EISENBERG: Robots - I mean, that's happening right now.
JOHNSON: Yes.
EISENBERG: Siri or Alexa - who do you want to be your mom? Siri or Alexa?
NANCHERLA: (Laughter).
JOHNSON: Yeah, I guess aliens is the answer, especially if they're smarter.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: Exactly.
NANCHERLA: Yep, yep.
EISENBERG: OK, Aparna - from Miami University of Ohio, which...
JOHNSON: Whoa.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: I think I got a brochure from them. It really threw me.
EISENBERG: Really? Yeah.
NANCHERLA: I was like, Miami but Ohio? What?
COULTON: (Laughter).
EISENBERG: I know. That is some - like, wow, did you not end up in the right place - a couple things.
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) Yeah. Right.
EISENBERG: OK, from Miami University of Ohio, you have an unlimited number of Legos. What do you build?
NANCHERLA: Oh, I think that is real.
EISENBERG: I'm sorry that is fake. That one is fake.
NANCHERLA: What?
EISENBERG: That one is fake. Yeah, I know.
NANCHERLA: I had high hopes for Miami University in Ohio. But I should have remembered the Ohio part.
EISENBERG: I know.
COULTON: (Laughter).
EISENBERG: I did a tiny little bit of research, though, and it is the highest-rated party school in Ohio. I don't know if...
COULTON: Yeah.
EISENBERG: ...That says a lot. Does that say a lot?
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) Right.
JOHNSON: It's the Miami. It's the Miami part.
EISENBERG: (Laughter) It's the Miami.
NANCHERLA: It's the Miami part.
JOHNSON: They dubbed (ph) their school.
EISENBERG: (Laughter).
COULTON: Yeah (laughter).
JOHNSON: I think New Orleans University of Wisconsin is a little more...
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: ...Of a party school.
COULTON: OK, Joyelle, from Penn - you have just finished your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.
JOHNSON: UPenn or Penn State?
COULTON: It's UPenn. So that's UPenn.
JOHNSON: OK. Then - 'cause that sounds real from UPenn. It's very, you know...
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
JOHNSON: ...Erudite. Is that a word?
EISENBERG: (Laughter).
COULTON: Yeah, yeah. You are correct. That is real. That is real.
JOHNSON: Yeah. Yeah. So - it said the biography - what's the last page?
COULTON: Two hundred and seventeen - it's a very specific page. Of a 300-page biography - autobiography, submit page 217. Which - I wonder, what point in the autobiography is 217? Is that the, like, coming out of your crisis? Or what are they - what do you think...
NANCHERLA: Right.
COULTON: ...They're looking to...
JOHNSON: Exactly - 'cause I'm like...
NANCHERLA: You're two-thirds in.
EISENBERG: First of all...
JOHNSON: Right.
EISENBERG: ...No autobiography should be 300 pages. Let's start with that.
NANCHERLA: No.
COULTON: Especially not when you're 18 years.
EISENBERG: Yeah. One-fifty - wrap it up.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: All right. Aparna, from John Hopkins (ph)...
NANCHERLA: Yes.
EISENBERG: Using a piece of wire, a university car window sticker, an egg carton and any inexpensive hardware store item, create something that would solve a problem.
NANCHERLA: Oh, dang.
JOHNSON: (Laughter).
NANCHERLA: They went for, like, Iron Chef-style question.
EISENBERG: (Laughter) Exactly.
JOHNSON: What in the "MacGyver"?
COULTON: (Laughter) MacGyver University, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: I will say it's real.
EISENBERG: Totally real.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
EISENBERG: You are correct - 100%, yes.
JOHNSON: I'd be like, I'm not going to this school.
EISENBERG: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
COULTON: But I think actually, too, is like - this is not the school for me.
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) Yeah.
COULTON: No, thank you. Well, I can't even think. What would you make? A wire...
NANCHERLA: An egg?
EISENBERG: A wire, a university...
COULTON: ...A window sticker...
EISENBERG: ...Window sticker...
COULTON: ...An egg carton and an inexpensive hardware store item.
EISENBERG: Well, you would have a safe, secure place to park your car. And then maybe with, like, a pipe or something and the wire - egg carton you could use for soundproofing. You would turn your car into a mini podcast studio and at least have a place to record. How about that?
NANCHERLA: Whoa.
COULTON: Ophira, you should...
JOHNSON: You...
COULTON: ...Go to Johns Hopkins, obviously.
EISENBERG: (Laughter).
JOHNSON: Right.
EISENBERG: I declined. I declined.
COULTON: (Laughter) All right. OK.
NANCHERLA: I was going to say anything on Etsy.
EISENBERG: (Laughter) Or anything on Etsy.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: Right - art - just beautiful art.
NANCHERLA: Art.
EISENBERG: A wall hanging.
COULTON: Beautiful art - all right. This is your last clue. Joyelle, from Tufts - Kermit the Frog famously lamented, it's not easy being green. Do you agree?
JOHNSON: I feel attacked.
(LAUGHTER)
EISENBERG: I know. That is some thinly veiled...
JOHNSON: Right (laughter).
EISENBERG: ...Essay prompt.
JOHNSON: Like, who are you asking that to? That is (laughter)...
EISENBERG: Yeah, right?
COULTON: Yeah, exactly.
JOHNSON: Yeah. It's really difficult to be a colored person in America.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I agree with you, Kermit.
EISENBERG: We're talking about the frogs - I mean, Muppets.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: Jesus, that's...
EISENBERG: Wild.
JOHNSON: ...I hope that's fake 'cause that's a terrible, not...
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
JOHNSON: ...Aware (laughter) question to ask. That's fake.
COULTON: I'm sorry. It is actually real.
NANCHERLA: (Gasping) Oh.
JOHNSON: I'm writing a letter. I'm writing a letter (laughter).
EISENBERG: Aparna Nancherla and Joyelle Nicole Johnson, thank you so much for joining us. Would you be into hanging out with us next week?
JOHNSON: Yes.
NANCHERLA: Yes.
EISENBERG: The best - thank you so much.
NANCHERLA: Thank you.
JOHNSON: Woo hoo. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.